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One man’s driving test
Dear Editor,
A satirical 55-plus driving test.
1. Suggested speed, normally:
a. Five miles under the posted limit
b. Posted speed
c. Five miles an hour over
d. Ten miles an hour over
Answer: c. Everyone does it, and is expected to do so. Try 40 mph on Wendover. You won't go far wrong; nothing immoral here.
2. Traffic lights, approaching:
a. Brake fully when it turns yaller
b. Foot off pedal, prepare to stop
c. As above, but consider going through
if closely tailgated
d. Floor it!
Answer: b and c. You'll seldom get a ticket at a traffic light, better to avoid a accident.
3. Signals, when to use:
a. Never, what business is it of yorn
which way I'm a going
b. Why bother?
c. Only when someone is behind me
d. Always, get into the habit
Answer: d. I like my Katz to know where I'm bound.
4. Braking, how much:
a. As little as necessary
b. Through a sharp curve
c. Approaching another vehicle or an
intersection
d. Hard if necessary
Answer: a and d. Braking through a curve is dangerous.
5. Acceleration
a. Minimal b. Moderate
c. Considerable d. Severe
Answer: b and c. Get her moving, with minimum fuel loss. Sometimes you need to go fast to blend in on high speed roadways.
6. Speed traps and work zones, how to circumvent
a. Go down to posted limit
b. Go down to posted limit if workers
present
c. Don't pass a cop (any law
enforcement vehicle)
d. Same roadway, what's the difference?
Answer: a and c. A chicken way for the Gestapo to make money
7. Signalling, how to:
a. Arm signals only
b. Electrical signals only
c. Both b and c
d. Turn head towards direction going
Answer: b. Join the 21st century, hand signals are obsolete except for bicycles.
8. Steering:
a. Hands on wheel at 10 and 2 o'clock
b. Hands on wheel and 10 and 4 o'clock
c. Just use one hand, you've got power
steering
d. Use your knees, see 11a
Answer: b. Recommended by c and d
9. Best vehicle occupancy
a. Yourself
b.Yourself plus one other taciturn
person
c. Several going wherever
d. You and your pet.
Answer, b. c is bad, an unruly pet is worse.
10. Driving in rain, snow and/or ice at night
a. Do it all, the trip must go through
b. Any two of the above
c. Any one of the above
d. None of the above
Answer d. Don't be a hero. Why all the four-wheel drive vehicles in the piedmont? So you won't have to be stuck at home with the ol' lady.
11. On eating, drinking, texting, etc.:
a. Do it all
b. Eating and drinking
c. Caffeine and perhaps nicotine
d. None of the above
Answer: c. Any stimulan (besides alcohol) will help to enliven your senses to condition yellow. Hey, I don't drink and drive. I drink and then drive.
12. If ticketed:
a. Pay costs and fine
b. Plead nolo contendere
c. Ask for prayer for judgement
d. Not guilty
Answer d. I once asked for a prayer for judgement. The judge said he'd do all the praying in his court.
Editor's Note: The Muse said you forgot one. She has noticed the disturbing trend of people driving down the center turn lane in order to merge into traffic.
John Taylor-Hall
December 27, 2012
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