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Mothers Protect Your Daughters From Yost
December 06, 2012
5-23-16-22-29-6
The winning numbers for the Wednesday, Nov. 28, Powerball.
RALEIGH, N.C. – A Wake County judge has issued a preliminary injunction halting coyote hunting at night with artificial light as wildlife and environmental groups challenge a rule allowing the practice.
The website of NBC 17, Raleigh, Nov. 21, 2012
Well, even though I bought not one, not two, but three Powerball tickets last week, I still didn't win the money.
And I hate that, not so much for myself, but for the needy children – because my plan was that, if I had won the $580 million in prize money, I was going to give every penny of it toward helping needy children across the country, especially homeless orphans.
So I hate that.
Again, not for myself, but for the orphans.
The people who did win the money seem like perfectly nice people, but from what I understand, while they may give some of the winnings to charity, basically they're going to keep most of it for themselves.
Which is fine. I mean, there is of course no law against keeping the money for yourself. I'm just saying that a part of me wishes the money had gone to me – or to someone like me – who would have given it all to charity to help the orphans.
Anyway, that's too bad for the kids, and it's a little depressing, so let's move onto other things …
Hey, on the plus side, while I didn't win the lottery, I did have something of a surprise monetary windfall lately.
As you are no doubt aware, each year the deadline for filing income taxes is Oct. 15. Well, this year, I filed my taxes just before the deadline and, a few weeks ago, I heard back from the government people.
One problem is that, each year I always seem to owe both the federal and state government money. However, this year, after I filed, I heard from the man who does my taxes that I would be getting a refund for a change, and I was very happy about that and, the other day, out of the blue, this check came in the mail.
It's not $580 million, but, in keeping with the kind of person I am, I'm going to donate the entirety of my refund to help the orphans.
Money from the government isn't the only interesting thing I got in the mail recently, either. I use Time Warner Cable, but Direct TV is always sending me flyers and ads to try to get me to switch. They also always have inserts in the Sunday paper that I see each week.
Well, last week, they sent me the strangest promotional literature for a product I've ever seen. Here's the Direct TV mailer that came to me through the mail …
On the front it says, "Why every guy wants to hook up with DIRECTTV" and on the back it has a picture of hot twins holding ice cream cones. The flyer also says Direct TV has the best in adult entertainment and, if I switch, Direct TV will give me three months of adult programming for free.
It's like, "Hey, Scott Yost, switch to Direct TV – our porno is better than their porno!"
Anyway, I got that in the mail, and I was like: What must Direct TV think of me? What kind of depraved sinner do they think I am? And, anyway, how do you even end up on a marketing mailing list like that?
I have no idea.
Also, while we're on the subject of interesting things I got in the mail recently, my subscription to Playboy was up for renewal, so I got the following in the mail …
As you can see, it says, in all caps no less – with not one, not two, but three asterisks – that there is an "extremely urgent notice enclosed."
It also says I need to expedite it right away (with another three asterisks beside that.) And, in red and in caps, it has "Last Chance," and it also says not to dilly dally because the final deadline is Nov. 8, 2012 and dated materials are enclosed. It even has the very official-looking circular stamp at the top that says, "Time sensitive documents" and "Dated materials."
I guess, since it's past Nov. 8 and I haven't renewed, my money is no good to them now.
And, I mean, why all the urgency? It's a notice to renew a Playboy subscription. Really, how extremely urgent can that be? Even in the worst circumstances imaginable, the absolutely worst thing that could ever happen to you is that your Playboy doesn't arrive and you have to pick up a copy at Barnes & Noble. I mean what kind of hell on earth is that.
From the way the envelope is labeled, you would think it contains the launch code for nuclear missiles that will be needed for an immediate counterattack within the next three minutes before the Russian first strike gets here.
All that brings me to something I call "Scott's Inverse Law of Mail Labeling." The rule goes like this: "The more something says it is 'urgent,' 'important' and 'your reply is needed immediately,' the less important it actually is."
Well Christmas is finally in the air and I was at the annual Christmas parade in downtown Greensboro and I was alarmed to see that, while most of the Christmas characters were in good shape, one was in a downright embarrassing condition.
Hey, Frosty, I know this is the season to be jolly, but how about saving the Christmas cheer (read: eggnog) until after the parade. I mean, I'm sorry but that's just flat out embarrassing.
So Christmas is in the air, but, on the other hand, so is the impending end of the world on Friday, Dec. 21.
I hate that the world has to end but it is funny to me that those of us like myself, who do our Christmas shopping at the last minute, finally get the last laugh this year for once.
OK, so let me get this straight; you're telling me that, this year, thanks to new government sanctions, I can't get together with friends and family and go coyote hunting at night with artificial light?
What's with that? How am I supposed to see what kind of varmint I'm shooting at? No night coyote hunting with artificial light? My Christmas season just won't be the same without it. Why this new war on Christmas? What's next – a ban on caroling?
And just what are we supposed to have Christmas morning in place of our Christmas coyote stew?
Seriously, to you and yours, I wish you a very happy holiday season – or, at least, what's left of it before the world ends on the 21st.