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Sell My Clothes, I’m Going To Heaven
September 13, 2012
Et toujours l'épine est sous la rose.
Anonymous. Quoted by Rousseau in Les Confessions.
This week, I want you to go on a little fun thought experiment with me. If you are a kid then you need to stop reading right now and just start reading again next week when we will no doubt be talking about penguins or something else like that.
OK, now, for the rest of you, let's go on the thought experiment.
Suppose you are a single guy out on the town, and you walk into, say, your favorite bar downtown, and, when you walk in, across the room you see, sitting at the bar, the hottest girl imaginable. I mean, she is absolutely head to toe drop dead gorgeous.
And let's say that, after you see this girl, you go up to her and buy her a drink and then you sit down next to her and in no time you are doing great with her.
And she says to you: "Hey, listen carefully to what I'm about to say because I mean it. If you come back to my place with me, I'm going to give you the best night of you know what in your life if you know what I mean. I mean, I am going to rock your world."
Maybe you're too stunned to say anything and so she keeps going.
"Listen," she says as she twirls her hair and bats her eyes sexily like it's nobody's business, "I'm telling you; once you get me home, I am going to take you places you've never been before – you are going to be shouting, 'Sell my clothes I'm going to heaven!'"
And she starts to tell you some more about how great it's going to be for you but you interrupt her and tell her she doesn't need to say anything else because she had you at hello – or, really, even before that.
And then you say let's get out of here, and you drive her back to her place, and the whole time in the car she's telling you how you are really in for the treat of your life and about how, in a single night, she is going to absolutely ruin you for all other women for all time.
And all this talk from this gorgeous stranger out of nowhere has made you very frisky and hot and bothered under the collar if you know what I mean.
When you get into her house she says for you to wait in the living room because she wants to slip into something more comfortable, and a few minutes later she comes out and you've never seen anything sexier or more desirable in your life.
She uses her index finger to sexily motion you into the bedroom.
You follow happily and …
And it is the worst you know what that you've ever had.
I mean, it is just terrible, a complete and utter disaster. The worst.
She looked fantastic and she could talk a big game – a great game in fact – but that was all she had. That was it. All talk and no walk.
OK, so, let's say that, the next morning you go home and you're thinking about what an amazing letdown that was – especially given all that build up, and you're thinking how little she delivered on what she promised.
Then you ask yourself how you let yourself fall for that – but then again, you tell yourself: Who wouldn't fall for that? Because, you know, you're only human and, who knew? How would you know if you hadn't tried it.
Now, let's say that, the next weekend, you go back downtown, and you go into your favorite bar again, and you see this same girl and she smiles a really big smile and comes over to you and says, "Listen, I really want you to take me home tonight. If you do, I can promise you you won't be sorry – I mean, I am going to rock your world. I am going to ruin you for other women."
And now you are looking at her totally devoid of excitement, because you've heard this all somewhere before; and she says, "No, you don't understand, I mean, if you take me home, I'm going to take you places you've never been."
You don't want to hurt her feelings or anything, but you are just standing there thinking: Uh, hello? That's what you said last time.
If you haven't guessed, I'm talking about President of the United States Barack Obama.
You know, the first time he ran, he was the irresistible and incredibly enticing hottest girl at the bar, and, well, as you know, we all took him home and it was like, wow, what a letdown.
The Daily Show has come up with a fake comedic slogan for the 2012 Obama campaign: "Barack Obama – He wants to make us hope again, again."
Anyway, now you have to decide if you want to take the hot girl home again or want to take your other choice, the mystery date behind curtain number two.
Your other choice, Romney, by the way, is the plain-looking woman in the corner wearing an 1890s spinster dress with her hair in a tight bun. So you might not be too
excited about that, but, who knows? Sometimes those are the ones who, behind closed doors, take their glasses off and then take the hairpin out and shake their hair out of the bun and then it's Katie bar the door.
And anyway, everyone has been telling you that you need to settle down with a nice girl and at least you can have a conversation with her and she will fix you breakfast in the morning rather than make you take her out to an expensive breakfast place where she orders a lot of food that she doesn't even touch and then gets rip-roaring drunk on mimosas at like 9 a.m.
So, anyway, that's your choice this year. I'm not trying to offer you any guidance on which one to choose – I'm simply trying to break down your choice for you. Maybe you really do want to give the hot girl at the bar another chance: After all, she really can talk a mean game and, who knows, maybe she just had one off night last weekend.
Or, in this case, maybe just had one off four-year stretch.
And after all, she did kill Osama bin Laden.
So, it's just a question of what you want: the amazingly hot girl whose mouth writes checks her body can't cash, or the plane Jane in the high-necked spinsters dress – who it's anyone's guess what she's like in the bedroom.