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Yost Column
Yellow Car Portends Glitch In The Matrix
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Just yards away from the Mount Airy Police Department, in front of the town's playhouse, someone vandalized a statue of community icon Andy Griffith. It's a sad day for Mayberry residents, seeing Andy Griffith's statue defaced – with green paint on Andy's head and red paint on his face and sheriff's badge.
– Near perfect Roxanna Haynes reporting from Mount Airy
Now, as I'm sure you've heard by now, Andy Griffith's statue was defaced last week. Mount Airy police are offering a cash reward for information leading to an arrest, but they have said that, as of yet, they have no suspects and don't know who did it.
Don't know who did it?
Uh, hello, I'm not even from there and I can tell them exactly who did it: Does the name Ernest T. Bass ring any bells?
You are welcome, Mount Airy police, and please send the cash reward to Scott D. Yost, County Editor, Rhino Times, 216 W. Market St., Greensboro, 27401.
OK, I actually lifted that joke from the weatherman on Fox 8 who, from what I understand, lifted it from anchor Neill McNeill – but my point isn't about who gets credit for the joke, but, instead, I want to make the following point: Who in the world would deface a statue of Andy Griffith?
I mean, I'm sorry but that's just low.
As soon as Roxanna's broadcast on Fox 8 ended, I texted her. I wrote: "Andy Griffith vandalized? What is this world coming to?"
And she wrote back: "Seriously!? Who does that? Lol."
Because I mean, seriously, who does that? If you are the person or people who did that, and by any chance you are reading this, let me just say that there is something very wrong with your head. What are you thinking? Is nothing sacred? Is nothing safe these days?
You know, the way things are going it wouldn't surprise me one bit if one day someone tries to – oh, I don't know, say, assassinate the pope.
So I'm a little too flustered this week to put a coherent train of thought together, but the good news is that that doesn't mean we can't still have a Yost Column …
Speaking of hot newscasters and texting, Fox 8 anchor Julie Luck sent me a text the other day. She was very excited about the fact that, now, in addition to being a local celebrity, news anchor and newlywed, she's also suddenly, out of the blue, a big-time movie star.
"Go see the movie percy jackson," her text read. "I am in it."
And I texted back, "What are you, like, 'Parade Spectator # 3?'"
I found out later that, in one scene in the movie, there's a TV turned on in the background, and, on that TV, is Julie's talking head.
"I got a credit at the end," Julie said proudly.
I checked on Internet Movie Database and the credits do list: "Julie Luck –WGHP News Anchor."
So everyone should go see the movie if you want to see Julie. Here are the, no kidding – look it up if you think I'm joking – roles listed immediately ahead of her in the credits: Cute Girl, Nymph Warrior, Pretty Girl #1 and Pretty Girl #2.
I asked Julie later if the movie was any good and she said it was "very Harry Potterish." Internet Movie Database users rate it a 6.2 out of 10 so it's probably pretty watchable if you have kids and you want to see Julie on the big screen – well, I mean, if you want to see Julie on the little screen on the big screen.
Julie's previous video credits include – sadly, I am not joking – a 1.5 second appearance in MC Hammer's 1994 music video "Pumps in a Bump."
In that video, some dude calls out something like, "Hey everybody – who wants to go to Hammer's house!" and the next shot is Julie vigorously nodding her head that, yes, indeed, she would very much like to go to Hammer's house, and the next thing you know everyone in the video is at Hammer's pool, partying like crazy.
OK, I've complained before about the fact that, whenever I call the Bank of America, if you want to do your business in English, you have to press 2 – because, as I've said, it is Bank of America, and in America, unless I'm mistaken, the language, the last time I checked, was English, so you shouldn't have to press anything for it to be in English if you ask me – but, if they are going to keep it that way (that you have to press a number to get English) then it should certainly be that you press 1.
OK, now here's why I'm writing about this again. Not only have they not fixed the problem – it's getting worse. The other night I called Bank of America and the first thing it says is in Spanish and, then, the next thing it says is in English when it tells you to press 2 for English, and then, I heard something I've never ever heard before in all my days of using a phone: It was a voice in French asking if you want to do your business with Bank of America in French.
The only Spanish I know is "Donde esta la casa de Pepe?" but I do know some French, so I knew it was saying to press 4 if you want to have the conversation in French.
And I was like, oh no, because you just know that, not long from now, you're going to have a whole mile-long list of choices and the machine will be saying, in Johor-Riau Malaysian – "Please press 169 for Malaysian in the Johor-Riau dialect." It's like when the crazy cat ladies go from that second cat to the third one and then, after that third one it's Katie head for the bar door because the next time you see her, her house is like cat city.
And I feel confident that the English option will be way toward the back of the list because it's probably not politically correct to put it near the front of the list and I'm certainly not saying that's a good argument but I'm just giving you a heads up on that.
Listen, if I want to have a phone conversation in some obscure Malaysian dialect I'll call AT&T's internet support.
Hey, if you're like one of those stubborn patches or piles of snow that are just still hanging around like you own the place even though you should have been gone long ago, well, your dog days of winter are over and it's time to melt like Dorothy did when the flying monkeys threw the water on her.
Speaking of Roxanna Haynes, get a load of this. I took this picture as we were leaving Revolution Mills and heading to the Underground after Dancing with the Stars and, when I saw her come out with her stuff, I was utterly amazed.
Look at how much makeup, clothing, brushes and who knows what else Roxanna took to the event to look pretty.
When I saw all of it, I said, "Roxy, the last time I went to Vegas, I didn't take that much stuff with me."
The really funny thing is – you can't see it in the picture, but – in addition to the stuff she's carrying, I'm also pulling a giant rolling steamer trunk for her that was packed full of the rest of her makeup, clothes and beauty supplies.
OK, not really – but Roxy, come on: Less is more.
Now, in my entire life, the number of times I've ever seen another car like my current car – a candy yellow RX-8 – is exactly zero.
The first time I ever saw one was when I saw mine in Salisbury at the dealership and, since then, I've never seen another one.
So, I'm driving along the other night, minding my own business, and I freaked out because I saw my car exactly drive by.
My first reaction was: "Stop thief!" but then I realized I was in my car, so I just said to myself: "Yost, follow that car."
The other RX-8 was heading out of downtown on Friendly and turned into the big parking lot on Commerce Place and parked and I parked right next to him.
I thought maybe my long lost twin brother that I didn't know existed would get out of the car, but he didn't.
I met the guy and he said it was his mother's car and she'd just given it to him when she needed something bigger.
Fortunately, I had my camera so I could capture the historic moment.
It was really kind of unnerving in a way, and, when the event happened, I was glad that we were in real life and not in the Matrix because, if we had been in the Matrix, I think it would have meant that a lot of armed evil men in dark suits and sunglasses would be arriving in a matter of seconds to kill us.
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